Listen carefully to the apologies around you, including your own, and you will notice that a surprising number of them are not apologies at all. "I'm sorry, but I was under a lot of pressure." "I'm sorry if that came across badly." "I'm sorry you felt that way." Each has the word sorry in it, and each is really doing something else: explaining, qualifying, or relocating the problem into the other person's reaction. They are defences wearing the costume of an apology, and the other person almost always notices.

A genuine apology has a very particular shape, and it is rarer than it should be. It names specifically what you did, not a vague gesture towards things that happened. It owns the effect without qualification, which means no "but", no "if", and no explanation attached, because an explanation offered in the same breath always reads as an excuse, however true it is. And it says what will change, because an apology with no consequence is only a feeling. It is remarkably hard to execute, mostly because every part of it requires setting down the instinct to protect yourself.

I find this rarest among senior people, and I include myself in that. Seniority builds an identity around being competent and right, and a clean apology feels like it dents both. In practice it does the reverse. So, as a reflection for today: when did you last apologise without a "but"? And is there someone who is still waiting for one?